The Elder Statesman

Yep, he’s truly a nut case
By BILL DUNCAN

I retired from the newspaper business in 1977 and moved to Roseburg, bought acreage and planned to be a gentleman farmer. I didn’t reckon with black mud and an irrigation well that petered out about July, so I naturally found my way into doing other things. People keep asking me when I am going to retire.

My stock answer is when God hits me on the head with a baseball bat. After all, I have convinced myself, retirement is for old folks.

I believed it after I received this Q&A e-mail forwarded to me from Paul Geohegan. It sort of sums up why I am happy I am not retired.

Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?

Answer: Three hours after he falls  asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees does it take to change a  light bulb?

Answer: Only one, but it might take all  day.

Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?

Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?

Answer: The term comes with a 10 percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?

Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?

Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the

basement, attic or garage?

Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?

Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to  describe retirement?

Answer: The never ending Coffee  Break.

Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to  school as a

retiree?

Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question:  Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t

miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?

Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Question: What is the common term for someone who

enjoys work and refuses to retire?

Answer: A nut case.

This entry was posted on Friday, January 20th, 2006 at 11:36 am and is filed under Column. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.