And saintly St. Patrick was really a Scot
By BILL DUNCAN
The View From Here
This Friday, March 17 is St. Patrick’s Day. They say that on this day everyone is Irish — even an old Scot such as me. On a day honoring good St. Patrick, I’d be willing even to forgive the Irish for playing a Leprechaun trick on the Scots by giving us the bagpipes.
Strange as it may seem, St. Patrick wasn’t Irish. He was a Scot. Would you believe this 100-proof Scot received in the mail the other day address labels with a traditional green shamrock emblazoned before the name William O’Duncan. It is just not in the nature of the Irish to be serious.
I don’t have any idea if Siobhan Barker of Banks, Ore. is Irish, but she does have an Irish first name, pronounced shi-von in Gaelic and meaning a women of wisdom. I am certain there is a bit of Irish impishness somewhere in her make up. Else how could she have won the great Duncan column address label contest.
Oh, yes, she won it hands down. No other entry came anywhere near Siobhan’s cleverness.
Remember the contest was about funny stories connected to receiving those hundreds of self adhesive address labels that anyone who has a snail mail address gets almost on a daily basis. Most entries were just the great number of labels they received.
Aye, but Siobhan has some strange characters living at her address, all who have received return address labels. Here’s her listing:
• Dudley R. Gold, also known as Rugged Gold, winner of five races. Now retired and enjoying life as a trail horse. Dudley also has received pre-approved credit card offers and last year he received his very own ASPCA calendar and the year before, a signed photograph from the Bush campaign.
• Peater Redstone, also known as JRS Lou. never raced and is pursuing a dressage career under the name Redstone. He also received offers for pre-approved credit cards. Unfortunately due to his competition schedule he has been unable to attend the time share opportunities offered in Bend and Hawaii. In 2004 his signed photograph came from the Kerry campaign camp.
• Fatima I. Gato, also known as Fati, has received three prayer cards, a crucifix on a chain and a rosary. The last plea for money was in Spanish and two of the ubiquitous pre-approved credit card offers. For some reason the AARP wants her to sign up too.
• George Dactyl who appears in hunter and dressage shows as Mister Dactyl, has received credit card offers and a BBC catalogue. The latest is an application to join the National Rifle Association.
• Little Black Cat, AKA LBC, has offers for CDs and DVDs.
• Dan D. Lion, AKA simply Pony, is the only pseudonym living on Hawyard Road in Banks, Ore. who has received nothing so far.
This all got started, Siobhan explains, when the names of her animals were used in filling out warranties and guarantees for small appliances and tools. In each case, she said, she checked the box asking that the name not be given out to other parties. So much for the respect for privacy.
In addition to keeping the recycling mountain at a reasonable height, she wrote, "we return any pre-paid envelope enclosed for our convenience" that arrives with the junk mail. More than likely the pre-paid envelopes will be stuffed with the paperwork from other companies just to give weight to the junk mail message.
She writes this "gives us the opportunity to use up those thousands of RALs (return address labels) we have received." Of course those that never have the true name imprinted.
In the mail (addressed to the real person at that address) Siobhan will be receiving a sweatshirt saying, "Addressee Unknown, Return to Sender," imprinted on the front, the prize for the Duncan Column RAL contest, along with my promise not to sell her name.
Meanwhile, to Siobhan and all my readers, I wish you Beannachtal La Fhelile Padraig, Gaelic for Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
(Bill Duncan can be reached by writing to P.O. Box 812, Roseburg, OR 97470 where he also gets RALs by the gross.)