The Elder Statesman

By BILL DUNCAN
The View From Here

I have always believed that God has a sense of humor, else why would he create something as ridiculous looking as the giraffe. I also believe he welcomes laughter in church.

On April 18, I wrote a column about grammatical gaffes I find when I read today. From the mail I received since the column appeared, I am not the only one laughing or crying over the mixed metaphors, malapropisms and double entendres in print. Shirley McSperitt of Roseburg even suggested diagramming sentences. Now wouldn’t that be an English language revolution.

Wayne Kleidosty of La Center, Wash. sent me 12 pages of funny items that were a slip of the typewriter keys of those who prepare announcements in church bulletins. He didn’t have the one I saw in my own church bulletin about a church speaker coming to one of the services and  boldly announcing that "children would not be aloud."

I sent a note to the church that said: "Not even in the crying room?"

In a Catholic church in Bandon, Ore. I saw a sign on one of the doors: "Crying Room and Confessional." I guess they were waiting for some pretty heavy sins.

Kleidosty’s collection gives a new meaning to Holy Rollers because it will have you rolling in the aisle with laughter. I’m going to tickle your religious ribs and beg forgiveness of those who weekly prepare the church bulletin. Maybe I should thank them for adding a bit of God’s humor to lighten things up.

Here’s my sharing:

"The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

"Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands."

"For those who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs."

"The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: ‘Break Forth into Joy.’"

"At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice."

"Today is All Souls Day, please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered."

"Potluck supper Sunday at 5 p.m. – prayer and medication to follow."

"This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin."

"Low Self Esteem Support group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door."

"Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance."

"Our church school eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy."

Sometimes those you might think are errors are done purposely by writers — me included — trying to get a twist on words. There was a time in the newspaper business when we could alert the proofreader, or editor, of this occurence by simply putting in a parenthical (cq) or (sic) signalling the words are correct. No longer. With computer typesettting the (cq) or (sic,) an acronym for spelling is correct) will end up in print and there will be another sharp-eyed reader wondering what kind of illiterate wrote the piece.

As an editor, my most famous example of that occurred in the Woodland, Calif. Daily Democrat when one of my reporters did a feature story on a Kholer Plumbing Manufacturer’s test tower monitoring flush toilets. My reporter, one of those sparkling young women journalist, wrote the lead:

"Woodland has the nation’s only skycrapper."

Excellent play on words, except my news editor thought she meant skyscraper and changed the word. I calmed the reporter by putting the story on the AP wire with verbal instructions not the change the lead.

(Bill Duncan can be reached by writing to P.O. Box 812, Roseburg, OR 97470)