26 ways for women to distress
By BILL DUNCAN
The View From Here
Back in September I wrote a review on Deborah Copahen Kogan’s just released book, “Between Here and April,” in which the famous photojournalist wrote a novel about why a mother would kill her own children. The book highlighted the stress mothers are under in the burdens of child rearing and how often husbands and fathers, busy with their own lives, fail to see the signs of stress. It was a haunting book for me as a reporter who had covered many of these tragic stories.
I suddenly woke up to the fact that I worked for a morning newspaper during most of my career, leaving the childrearing chores to my wife.
I ended my book review by saying that this riveting psychological suspense novel will perhaps change the way the reader views the heinous crime of infanticide and maybe instead focus on efforts to prevent such tragedies.
I didn’t count on the enormous amount of mail the review would generate from mothers. Most were serious revelations from women who told about having been on the brink. Not all were serious however, one rather thoughtful but humorous message, captured my attention. It came in an e-mail and the writer asked for anonymity because as she said, “this is a serious subject and you may think I am making light of it.”
What she sent me was 26 ways, she said, women, mothers in particular, should cope with the stress that men create for them. I write this so that men might pay closer attention and women can de-stress with laughter over the suggestions, if not practice a few.
1. Post a notice in the kitchen: Kitchen Closed until further notice.
2. Martha Stewart doesn’t live here.
3. I’m creative; you can’t expect me to be neat too.
4. So this isn’t Home Sweet Home. Get a life and adjust.
5. Ring Bell for Maid Service. If no answer do it yourself.
6. I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
7. If you write in the dust, please don’t date it.
8. I would cook dinner but I can’t find the can opener.
9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it.
10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
11. The cook is on vacation.
12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
13. If you don’t like my standards of cooking, lower your standards.
14. You may touch the dust in this house but you can only write on it with a dust cloth.
15. Apology? Although you’ll find my house a mess, it doesn’t always look like this: Some days it’s even worse.
16. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
17. If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.
18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
19. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator
20. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
21. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
22. Help keep the kitchen clean. Eat out.
23. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
24. My next house will have no kitchen, just vending machines.
25. Gardening forever. Housework, never.
26. Dull women have immaculate houses.
When my two youngest sons were at home we gave their mother a one day a week maid service as a Christmas present. That was many Christmases ago, but the housekeeper still comes every Monday, mostly to clean up my messes.
(Bill Duncan can be reached by writing to P.O. Box 812, Roseburg, OR 97470)