Quick, answer this in seven minutes or the world will end
By BILL DUNCAN I finally got one of thousands of unsolicited e-mail forwards from people I never heard of warning me about the hazard of taking my next breath which I can actually relate to and be willing to share with my readers. As usual the source is that guy named anonymous, but it is a classic about today’s misuse of e-mail. It begins with a thank you to all those who have sent those bogus e-mail warnings to which this e-mailer says have him “totally screwed up and with little chance of recovery.” This is anonymous’ take on those warnings: “I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have the restaurant put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. “I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. “I have trouble shaking hands for fear of where the other’s hand has been. Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. “I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. “I no longer have any savings because I gave them to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. “I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish. I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. “I no longer eat chicken because the chicken farmers are raising horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans. “I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. “I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off. And I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes over 6 feet from the commode. If I don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes fleas from 12 camels will infest my back, causing me to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician. All these warnings are billed as educational e-mails. I only wish the educated forwarders would discover snopes.com and put an end to trafficking in urban legends. (Bill Duncan can be reached at (wait a minute listing my e-mail is an invitation to receive more of these educational forwards) so readers will just have to spent 44 cents and write me a letter at P.O. Box 812, Roseburg, OR 97470.)
The Elderstatesman